I've been observing a lot within my environment lately, which has led me to do a lot of thinking, and more times than not, that is a dangerous thing. What triggered it to make me want to sit down and write about this was an image on my T.V. screen of the jolly ol' elf himself Santa Claus. This man, myth, character, what or however you want to refer to him as, has been a staple of our society and culture for well over a century. In that century plus, he has had to have seen and experienced a lot events through the years, and it made me wonder how Santa has coped with the changes and how has he adapted to this world of instant gratification, greed is good, money reigns supreme, it's my world you're just living in it society we are currently involved with now?
Well, while it may not be 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' I decided to rest my eyes and let my mind take me to a one on one sit down interview with the man himself. I was quite amazed on how revealing he was and would suggest not repeating any of this to your children since he did divulge a lot of secrets to me. So sit back and enjoy a fireside interview with Santa Claus...
Sean Floyd: First of all Mr. Claus, let me thank you once again for this once in a lifetime opportunity to speak with you one on one! I can't begin to imagine how this time of year restricts your free time?
Santa Claus: No worries. I always like to take a couple of days before I head out on Christmas Eve to clear my mind and unwind.
SF: The first thing I have to say is how impressed I am with how great of shape you are in! Aren't you usually carrying a bit more weight around this time of the year?
SC: That is actually one of the biggest misconceptions about me. I start out my night fit as a fiddle, sporting a six pack and a 32 inch waist. However, with the amount of cookies and milk that children leave for me, it takes it's toll on my body. I had to stop counting all of the calories I was putting into me, because it was just depressing me! You would think that with all of the hopping in and out of the sleigh I do and the feverish pace I have to work at, that my metabolism would be very high right? Wrong! The amount of sitting I do far outweighs, no pun intended, the amount of cals I burn off.
SF: Have you put out the message to parents asking their children to leave healthy alternatives for snacks?
SC: The thought has crossed my mind more than once, but kids starting asking a lot of questions, and I can run the risk of some loose lipped parent blowing my image and rep. I take precautions when I'm out. I take a case of Lactaid with me since I'm now lactose intolerant with all the milk I've consumed over the years. Something else I will be starting this year is bringing that new 'shake weight' with me. I realize it makes you look like a disturbed individual that needs professional help with what you have to do to make the weight effective, but you have to do what you have to do. Plus, the Mrs. ordered me that electro pulse abdominal belt that you wear so that my waist stays thin. Have you ever seen that damn thing? It's a trip!
SF: Were you always health conscious?
SC: Only up to a few years ago. I was really comfortable with who I was as a person and my appearance, but a few years ago my wife brought one of those 'image consultants' and told me that today's kids couldn't relate to my old and jolly image so he suggested that I undergo a makeover. Before you know it, I'm under the knife for a face lift, botox and tummy tuck so that I would appeal more to today's youth. I ended up looking like Kenny Rogers with downs syndrome! That's the LAST time I ever let the Mrs. bring in a consultant for ANYTHING!
SF: That doesn't sound very health conscious to me Santa?
SC: Well, after the hack job Dr. Scissorhands did on me, I found a reputable plastic surgeon to correct the mistakes. Now I do yoga for two hours 5 days a week and pilates every other day.
SF: Then my next question to you would be if you were comfortable with your appearance before the makeover, why didn't you go back to being that person?
SC: I would love to, but with today's health care costs, I have to stay fit. Have you ever know of an insurance company to cover someone who's over 100 years old and considered morbidly obese?
SF: Good point. You eluded earlier to an abdominal device you use that you were impressed with. Why are you so impressed by it?
SC: Two things; First, is the technology of it, and second is the absurdity of it. Do people actually think technology will enable them to sit on their asses chowing on a bag of Dorito's and gain a six pack on their stomachs? But then again, if it weren't gullible people, I would be out of a job now wouldn't I?
SF: In what ways has technology effected you?
SC: In many ways actually. the way we monitor children's behavior over the course of the year, the way parents report to me on what their children would like, manufacturing, assembly, transportation.
SF: Transportation?
SC: That's right. I've never revealed this, but my sleigh is heavily reliable on technology. However the guy who installed all the technology on my sleigh couldn't put in a GPS tracking device because he couldn't find a place to install it. So I had him install the GPS device in Rudolph's nose. That's the real reason why it's red and glows. he's the only reindeer I use now.
SF: What about the rest of the reindeer?
SC: They're out on a tundra ranch outside of the compound. I put them into retirement about 8 years ago.
SF: Did you have to retire them due to their age?
SC: No, actually some of the reindeer gave birth to some fine bucks and does and kept the namesake of their famous ancestors, but the reason why they aren't used is because of PETA. They kept sending letters saying how cruel I was to the reindeer and couldn't believe I would treat them so inhumanely. I did a pretty good job of ignoring it for awhile, but then they organized a protest during the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade and I had to sign some sort of contract agreeing that I would treat them like humans and not animals. Talk about a crock of shit! Pardon my language, but it is what it is.
SF: No worries Santa, as I stated to you earlier, the publishing of this interview will not be able to be seen by children only adults.
SC: You can do that?!
SF: Certainly!
SC: Wow! Technology is one slick son of a bitch isn't it?
SF: Yes it is. If I may, just one more question regarding the reindeer, if Rudolph is the only reindeer used for your sleigh, why hasn't PETA protested the use of him on your sleigh? One would have to think that one reindeer pulling a heavy sleigh full of toys all night would be difficult?
SC: Well, as I said, Rudolph is really only used for his GPS navigation. He doesn't drive or pull the sleigh.
SF: So how does the sleigh operate?
SC: Well, I did have the sleigh equipped with a couple of jet engines that NASA had set me up with, which cut down my time out in the air considerably, but I had to end that too.
SF: For what reason?
SC: The damn environmentalists started jumping my ass about how the emissions that my engines put into the air was killing the environment so they demanded that I build a 'green sleigh'. Now it takes me an additional day to make my trip. A bunch of reindeer shit is what it is! Where the hell are those bastards now that I'm having to relocate my whole operation?!
SF: What do you mean relocate? You mean...LEAVE the North Pole?!
SC: That's exactly what it means! Did you get a look at how soft that glacier looked like outside? This place used to look like the Fortress of Solitude, you know, Superman's house, rock solid architecture and foundations of ice as far as the eyes could see. Now I'm pricing houseboats on the Internet!
SF: What about the elves?
SC: Well, luckily they are small enough that they can fit on a couple of smaller boats. I'm looking at possibly purchasing a couple of 30 footers with canopies. I know that seems a little inhumane, but remember, I live in international waters so I am sovereign and I reign supreme.
SF: So you have no governmental body in the north pole?
SC: Just me. I guess most people would consider that a dictatorship, but I'm not your average dictator.
SF: So if you, Mrs. Claus and the elves were residing on house boats, how would you manufacture the toys?
SC: Well, a lot of the manufacturing has been outsourced. You have to remember, kids these days want toys that are heavily reliable on technology. iPods, XBox's, Blue Ray players, etc. I don't have the labor capacity to handle that kind of technology.
SF: Are you technologically savvy?
SC: I know how to operate email, and spreadsheets and that's about it. You have to remember, elves are only part human and while they have small extremities and aren't very technologically advanced or versed.
SF: So how do you meet the demands of the tech gifts?
SC: Gates, Jobs, and I had a meeting when the demand became too overwhelming for me and they agreed to cut me in on a percentage of the deal as long as I gave up some of my patents. I figured what the hell, I'll be getting all the credit if it's a Christmas present, so I negotiated to take a hefty percentage on all tech items they manufacture as presents, and they bought it.
They thought they were coming out the winner in that deal, but they didn't think about it very carefully.
SF: So if the elves aren't manufacturing electronic toys and devices, what do they make?
SC: They still make stuffed animals, and dolls and other toys like that. I had outsourced that portion of the toy shop to China, but that one came back to bite me in the ass! Lead based paint on dolls?! Talk about a bunch of ruthless bastards!
SF: How high is the demand for dolls and stuffed animals among children these days?
SC: The demand is still there, but not like it was back in the day. Between the 1940's and 1970's it was gangbusters on dolls, models, big wheels, bikes etc. Those were the days.
SF: So what is the labor force of elves that you currently have?
SC: Surprisingly enough I haven't had to lay off any of the elves. While I don't have the demand for the building of a lot of toys, I've been able to reassign them to other positions within the organization. I believe it was once called streamlining the process. I moved some to shipping, receiving, quality control, security, sales, marketing. It was a bit of a learning curve for a year or two, but I have a great crew.
SF: So due to the economic turmoil surrounding the United States and other countries, it seems you were at least not forced to lay off anyone.
SC: No. You have to remember, I don't have an economic system like the United States, Great Britain Japan or anyone. As the CEO of this operation, I don't have bottom lines to meet or stockholders to please. Children will always ask for toys and that will always keep us up and running. Besides, any cost reductions that I did have to implement were covered by the naughty list.
SF: Could you please explain further on that?
SC: Certainly, we have a spreadsheet that automatically updates on a daily basis. This spreadsheet Tallies the amount of children who have been naughty and nice. Now, each child is on each list, but we have a grading scale if you will on the naughty list. There are three categories or levels of naughtiness. The first is your run of the mill typical naughty. Not eating your vegetables, not going to bed on time. The second is more serious, telling lies, cheating on tests, lipping off to your parents. The third is the you're screwed category, stealing, underage drinking, making mom and dad cry. Each child is allowed 3 strikes per category for every six months. For each strike, that's one toy that is eliminated from the child's list. So if a kid gets three strikes in the first level, in six months, I take away one toy they really wanted. 3 strikes within the next six months, another toy is gone and so on.
SF: What about 3 strikes in the 'you're screwed' level?
SC: You get nothing. That's why it's called the 'you're screwed' level, and given the state of a lot of kids' attitudes these days and the lack of proper parenting, the 'you're screwed' portion of the naughty list is the list that has the most names on it. Since I have a great deal of names on that list, it means I don't have to produce the amount of toys I need to have the elves to make or for my outsourced techs to build either so it balances out.
SF: Don't you think that is a little harsh to not give a child anything for Christmas?
SC: Well how would you feel if you knew someone who worked hard all year to do a good job for themselves to earn a few nice presents but they were also given to someone who cheated and was cruel and ruthless all year?
SF: I would say I feel like a United States citizen who was a victim of it's county's government and banking system.
SC: Touche.
SF: One last question Santa and I will wrap it up, and I wouldn't be doing a decent job of being an interviewer if I didn't ask this, but how are you able to hit all of those homes in just one night?
SC: It seems to be a pretty improbable task to accomplish, but if you think about it, it really isn't. First of all, I don't have to hit Australia because in the Southern Hemisphere, it's summer in December, and they don't celebrate until late June, so that's one whole continent off of my list. Second, you have to eliminate the middle east, because much like your country, I'm not Santa, I'm Satan, you can also eliminate China because they are a Communist country so they don't believe in me either, and you can eliminate most of Africa for the reason of lack of belief as well. So realistically, I only have to worry bout South America, Europe, and North America. Now when you get to Europe and North America there is two things you have to take into consideration. One is the naughty list, so not every child is getting gifts, the second is religious beliefs.
SF: Are you f*#&ing kidding me?
SC: Absolutely not. Remember, some choose to celebrate Kwanzaa and those of Judaism celebrate Hanukkah, and I'm not a figure in their respected religions. So the amount of children I visit is considerably minimal. The legend that has been built up that I fly all over the globe was started many years ago.
SF: Wow! Well Santa, I have taken a great deal of your time as it is, so once again I would really love to thank you for taking the time and for providing such a revealing and honest interview.
Is there anything you would like to pass along to our readers?
SC: First of all the pleasure was all mine and thanks for letting people know that I do exist. Second I have two messages to everyone. First of all, Christmas is not about what you did or didn't receive, it's about taking a day to spend it with those who matter to you the most and to celebrate love, peace and goodwill towards your fellow man. Something that too many cultures have forgotten about today. The second message is 'MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!! HO, HO, HO, HO HO!!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sports Fans
So, I had the fun privilege of attending my first and only Colorado Rockies baseball game of the season on Sunday. Now most baseball fans would tell you that opening day at the ball park is the most magical time of baseball, and to a large degree, I would agree with them. However, Coors Field in the early Fall holds something magical as well, The last home game of the baseball campaign has something in the air.
First and perhaps most importantly, you have a great chance of watching teams laying it out on the line as the last few games you play could mean you go to the playoffs, or you go home. I think that's one of the reasons why I have a hard time watching baseball in the middle of summer. The outcome of the game doesn't hold as much importance as it does in the fall.
Second, You feel that crispness of fall that enhances the ambiance and smells of baseball. I love a ballpark hot dog and beer in summer like a lot of other red, white, and blue blooded Americans do, but there is something about the taste of that hot dog during an early Fall game that just gives it a distinctive and memorable taste. As far as the ambiance goes, that has greatly changed...for the worse as I found out with my experience on Sunday.
I witnessed some members of the human race at the ballpark that were missing something to add to the ambiance in a positive manner. A brain cell, a chromosome, perhaps both, but during my observations, I started compiling a mental list of the people I'm sure all of us have witnessed at the park, stadium, or rink that make us roll our eyes, elbow the person seated directly to the left or right of us, point and snicker. Here now is the list of annoying 'sports fans' I witnessed at Coors Field yesterday that I feel need to be called out, (and in no particular order).
The over-exuberant fan: There were different variations of this kind person I witnessed yesterday, but I will narrow this down to two that were in dominant attendance.
The face painter: I'm all for showing support for your team. Hell, I'm not opposed to having your team's logo airbrushed or temporarilly tattooed on your cheek if you feel the need to, but the key to that is in one word; subtlety. I'll go as far as to support a little boy or girl between the ages of 6-11 painting up there face to show their solidarity for their favorite team. However, when I see a grown man in his late 20's or early 30's sporting a full faced makeup job, and has so much of it on that it would bankrupt Revlon and make Tammy Faye Bakker look Au natural' that's where I have to yell along with the home plate umpire and cry 'Foul!'
I don't know how your face plans to help out the team there Braveheart, but I can assure you that I have yet to hear a player or coach during a post-game conference utter any words of praise to the effect of 'Our team was struggling and it was looking pretty bleak, but when we looked up into the stands and saw Ron with our team colors painted all over his face and yelling like his ass was on fire, it gave us the motivation to pull out a victory.' So unless you are a member of KISS (and even these days, that's becoming a bit questionable) lay off the Sears latex weather beater and leave that experience for your kids to relish in.
The other was the 'Hey! Let's start the wave' fan. This is usually initiated by a crowd of heavily inebriated guys numbering anywhere from 3-24 in size, standing at the bottom of the section wearing crazy hats and shirtless with a beer in one hand and keeping the other hand free to conduct the remaining people in his designated section as to when they should stand temporarily, wave their arms in the air and yelling 'WOO!'
At first, it's only a few rows in the originator's section that follow his direction, then others in the section follow suit after about 16-24 attempts. All the while, those of us in the neighboring sections have to be subjected to the annoying repetition of the drunk screaming of 'ONE-TWO-THREE-WOO!' until we are forced to stand and take part forcing the other sections to do the same. At least that's what we end up hoping will happen because until the entire stadium has completed one full lap, these morons will not quit trying to keep it going. It's a vicious circle we are involved with, and it makes me wonder if it was the technique Hitler used to win over Germany.
Once again, I get the intention of team spirit, but the wave obtained it's heyday in the mid 1980's and quickly died for a reason folks. Haven't we found another movement to involve crowd noise, spirit and participation by now?
The Shirtless Guy who should be wearing a shirt fan: We've all seen this one haven't we? Let me set the scene for you; It was in the low 80's, not a cloud in the sky, and the bleacher seats in which we were seated in were getting quite warm. In the middle of the sixth inning, my girlfriend, parents and myself decided to escape to the main level of the stadium to catch some shade. During this time, the idea was brought up to take a walk around the stadium and take in some more of the sights and sounds of the park in which we all decided would be beneficial.
As we were walking between right field and first base, he arose from the shadows of the micro brew bar to our left. Shirtless guy in all his ill proportioned glory. Sad thing was he was the stereotypical shirtless guy. The John Travolta Saturday Night Fever Era hair held firmly in place sporting the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator glasses. Khaki shorts, flip flops and the middle aged Lou Ferigno body glistening with sweat for all eyes to view. I know I wasn't the only one within the vicinity who had to choke back vomiting at that moment. The thing I found tragically comical about him was that he actually thought he looked great. Even with his protruding gut supporting his 42 C size moobs.
Look shirtless guy, I really do applaud you and the hard work you have put into the gym for the past month to build up your arms and shoulders, but if you're going to neglect the abs and chest firming work, do all of humanity a favor and wear a wife beater to cover the unmolded clay would you? I can guarantee you in a bet for a large sum of cash that I will never see in my lifetime that there isn't a female in this entire stadium that finds you remotely desirable.
Which ironically enough brings me to the last of the sports fans who is very comparable yet the antitheses of shirtless guy.
The dolled up college sorority girl: There were a lot of annoying parts to this one that I could have divided up into another group of sport fan, but due to lack of time, I thought since it involved the same person, it could be combined.
It just so happened that a University of Northern Colorado Sorority was sitting in our section. Now, you are probably wondering why I would complain about this? You're about to find out. Granted, some of these young women were quite beautiful, and I hope for their sake their looks can get them far in their lives and very soon. It was a number of nuances that quickly wanted me to take this person and the numerous clones like her and duct tape them to the bleacher play 'Wipe Out' on their face with a pair of ball ping hammers.
The first batch got themselves seated. Then they felt the need to break out the digital cameras and take pictures of one another. Once again, I don't frown upon this. Getting pictures of yourself and family at a beautiful ball park like Coors Field is worthy of a Kodak moment. However I, along with a few hundred other fans in the surrounding seats, would greatly appreciate it if you would not ask your 3 rows of sorority sisters to stand up while the game is going on to take pictures of you looking 'hot' or 'cute'. Apparently you can't grasp the concept of waiting between innings to accomplish this impromptu Glamour cover shoot can you?!
To further prove that UNC is a veritable think tank of intelligence, the second coming of sorority row couldn't figure out what seats they were in, even though the seats were numbered and they were holding their ticket stubs. I actually heard one of them say, 'Is this our row?' Her sister said 'I'm not sure' in which the alpha ho responded with 'Well how do we know if we're in the right row and which seat is ours?' It was at that point when I would have given my right testicle for two Advil
But, it got better! We had the distinct pleasure of having Bleacher Bimbo Barbie and her sorority clone sitting in front of us. They were so engrossed in the baseball game that one felt the need to text while the other broke out her iPod from her purse and plugged the ear buds in her ears (Mental note for the next time I go to a game), in which they then decided to gripe and complain on how hot they were. (Not physically but in relation to temperature from the heat)
Which leads me to the initial point. Is it really necessary to go to a baseball game dressed in a low cut tight fitting black top with a black mini skirt with black heels and metal studs and caking on enough make up on your face to make face painter guy jealous because that is what these girls were wearing.
Ladies, I understand that if you are single, on a date, or out with the boyfriend/hubby that you want to look nice, but do you really have to wear the stripper heels with a skirt that requires you to shave, and I don't mean your legs to a ball game? You are one person in a sea of humanity of over fifty thousand! I seriously doubt that the center fielder is going to spot you and ask a member of the event staff for your phone number to call you for a date.
You are also in an outdoor environment during an afternoon baseball game. My eleven year old nephew could figure out why you feel so hot, but in the event the chemistry department at UNC hasn't gotten to this part in the curriculum, allow me to give you a tip. Dark colors absorb heat, and with black being the darkest of the colors, that would mean you would be absorbing a lot of the heat that mother nature has provided. . To be quite honest, I'm amazed that sweat was able to break through from your glands considering how much of that cake batter you have on your face. So the next time you wonder why a group of guys keep looking at your chest or why you can't understand why you have trouble walking up and down the stairs, do us all a favor and take a look in the mirror and pick out a different wardrobe ensemble.
I was always somewhat reluctant to go and watch a professional sporting event strictly because of the amount of money the greedy owners charge for a ticket, parking, and concessions these days. Now, after experiencing what kind of sports fans are attending these games, I'm even more content to wear my jersey and ball cap, sitting in on my comfortable couch, eating my snacks and store bought pizza that cost me the same price as a hot dog and fill me up for most of the day and drink a 6 pack which was the same price as one beer at that stadium. Besides, I get to see more of the action on my 42" TV, and be shirtless guy without making others physically ill.
First and perhaps most importantly, you have a great chance of watching teams laying it out on the line as the last few games you play could mean you go to the playoffs, or you go home. I think that's one of the reasons why I have a hard time watching baseball in the middle of summer. The outcome of the game doesn't hold as much importance as it does in the fall.
Second, You feel that crispness of fall that enhances the ambiance and smells of baseball. I love a ballpark hot dog and beer in summer like a lot of other red, white, and blue blooded Americans do, but there is something about the taste of that hot dog during an early Fall game that just gives it a distinctive and memorable taste. As far as the ambiance goes, that has greatly changed...for the worse as I found out with my experience on Sunday.
I witnessed some members of the human race at the ballpark that were missing something to add to the ambiance in a positive manner. A brain cell, a chromosome, perhaps both, but during my observations, I started compiling a mental list of the people I'm sure all of us have witnessed at the park, stadium, or rink that make us roll our eyes, elbow the person seated directly to the left or right of us, point and snicker. Here now is the list of annoying 'sports fans' I witnessed at Coors Field yesterday that I feel need to be called out, (and in no particular order).
The over-exuberant fan: There were different variations of this kind person I witnessed yesterday, but I will narrow this down to two that were in dominant attendance.
The face painter: I'm all for showing support for your team. Hell, I'm not opposed to having your team's logo airbrushed or temporarilly tattooed on your cheek if you feel the need to, but the key to that is in one word; subtlety. I'll go as far as to support a little boy or girl between the ages of 6-11 painting up there face to show their solidarity for their favorite team. However, when I see a grown man in his late 20's or early 30's sporting a full faced makeup job, and has so much of it on that it would bankrupt Revlon and make Tammy Faye Bakker look Au natural' that's where I have to yell along with the home plate umpire and cry 'Foul!'
I don't know how your face plans to help out the team there Braveheart, but I can assure you that I have yet to hear a player or coach during a post-game conference utter any words of praise to the effect of 'Our team was struggling and it was looking pretty bleak, but when we looked up into the stands and saw Ron with our team colors painted all over his face and yelling like his ass was on fire, it gave us the motivation to pull out a victory.' So unless you are a member of KISS (and even these days, that's becoming a bit questionable) lay off the Sears latex weather beater and leave that experience for your kids to relish in.
The other was the 'Hey! Let's start the wave' fan. This is usually initiated by a crowd of heavily inebriated guys numbering anywhere from 3-24 in size, standing at the bottom of the section wearing crazy hats and shirtless with a beer in one hand and keeping the other hand free to conduct the remaining people in his designated section as to when they should stand temporarily, wave their arms in the air and yelling 'WOO!'
At first, it's only a few rows in the originator's section that follow his direction, then others in the section follow suit after about 16-24 attempts. All the while, those of us in the neighboring sections have to be subjected to the annoying repetition of the drunk screaming of 'ONE-TWO-THREE-WOO!' until we are forced to stand and take part forcing the other sections to do the same. At least that's what we end up hoping will happen because until the entire stadium has completed one full lap, these morons will not quit trying to keep it going. It's a vicious circle we are involved with, and it makes me wonder if it was the technique Hitler used to win over Germany.
Once again, I get the intention of team spirit, but the wave obtained it's heyday in the mid 1980's and quickly died for a reason folks. Haven't we found another movement to involve crowd noise, spirit and participation by now?
The Shirtless Guy who should be wearing a shirt fan: We've all seen this one haven't we? Let me set the scene for you; It was in the low 80's, not a cloud in the sky, and the bleacher seats in which we were seated in were getting quite warm. In the middle of the sixth inning, my girlfriend, parents and myself decided to escape to the main level of the stadium to catch some shade. During this time, the idea was brought up to take a walk around the stadium and take in some more of the sights and sounds of the park in which we all decided would be beneficial.
As we were walking between right field and first base, he arose from the shadows of the micro brew bar to our left. Shirtless guy in all his ill proportioned glory. Sad thing was he was the stereotypical shirtless guy. The John Travolta Saturday Night Fever Era hair held firmly in place sporting the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminator glasses. Khaki shorts, flip flops and the middle aged Lou Ferigno body glistening with sweat for all eyes to view. I know I wasn't the only one within the vicinity who had to choke back vomiting at that moment. The thing I found tragically comical about him was that he actually thought he looked great. Even with his protruding gut supporting his 42 C size moobs.
Look shirtless guy, I really do applaud you and the hard work you have put into the gym for the past month to build up your arms and shoulders, but if you're going to neglect the abs and chest firming work, do all of humanity a favor and wear a wife beater to cover the unmolded clay would you? I can guarantee you in a bet for a large sum of cash that I will never see in my lifetime that there isn't a female in this entire stadium that finds you remotely desirable.
Which ironically enough brings me to the last of the sports fans who is very comparable yet the antitheses of shirtless guy.
The dolled up college sorority girl: There were a lot of annoying parts to this one that I could have divided up into another group of sport fan, but due to lack of time, I thought since it involved the same person, it could be combined.
It just so happened that a University of Northern Colorado Sorority was sitting in our section. Now, you are probably wondering why I would complain about this? You're about to find out. Granted, some of these young women were quite beautiful, and I hope for their sake their looks can get them far in their lives and very soon. It was a number of nuances that quickly wanted me to take this person and the numerous clones like her and duct tape them to the bleacher play 'Wipe Out' on their face with a pair of ball ping hammers.
The first batch got themselves seated. Then they felt the need to break out the digital cameras and take pictures of one another. Once again, I don't frown upon this. Getting pictures of yourself and family at a beautiful ball park like Coors Field is worthy of a Kodak moment. However I, along with a few hundred other fans in the surrounding seats, would greatly appreciate it if you would not ask your 3 rows of sorority sisters to stand up while the game is going on to take pictures of you looking 'hot' or 'cute'. Apparently you can't grasp the concept of waiting between innings to accomplish this impromptu Glamour cover shoot can you?!
To further prove that UNC is a veritable think tank of intelligence, the second coming of sorority row couldn't figure out what seats they were in, even though the seats were numbered and they were holding their ticket stubs. I actually heard one of them say, 'Is this our row?' Her sister said 'I'm not sure' in which the alpha ho responded with 'Well how do we know if we're in the right row and which seat is ours?' It was at that point when I would have given my right testicle for two Advil
But, it got better! We had the distinct pleasure of having Bleacher Bimbo Barbie and her sorority clone sitting in front of us. They were so engrossed in the baseball game that one felt the need to text while the other broke out her iPod from her purse and plugged the ear buds in her ears (Mental note for the next time I go to a game), in which they then decided to gripe and complain on how hot they were. (Not physically but in relation to temperature from the heat)
Which leads me to the initial point. Is it really necessary to go to a baseball game dressed in a low cut tight fitting black top with a black mini skirt with black heels and metal studs and caking on enough make up on your face to make face painter guy jealous because that is what these girls were wearing.
Ladies, I understand that if you are single, on a date, or out with the boyfriend/hubby that you want to look nice, but do you really have to wear the stripper heels with a skirt that requires you to shave, and I don't mean your legs to a ball game? You are one person in a sea of humanity of over fifty thousand! I seriously doubt that the center fielder is going to spot you and ask a member of the event staff for your phone number to call you for a date.
You are also in an outdoor environment during an afternoon baseball game. My eleven year old nephew could figure out why you feel so hot, but in the event the chemistry department at UNC hasn't gotten to this part in the curriculum, allow me to give you a tip. Dark colors absorb heat, and with black being the darkest of the colors, that would mean you would be absorbing a lot of the heat that mother nature has provided. . To be quite honest, I'm amazed that sweat was able to break through from your glands considering how much of that cake batter you have on your face. So the next time you wonder why a group of guys keep looking at your chest or why you can't understand why you have trouble walking up and down the stairs, do us all a favor and take a look in the mirror and pick out a different wardrobe ensemble.
I was always somewhat reluctant to go and watch a professional sporting event strictly because of the amount of money the greedy owners charge for a ticket, parking, and concessions these days. Now, after experiencing what kind of sports fans are attending these games, I'm even more content to wear my jersey and ball cap, sitting in on my comfortable couch, eating my snacks and store bought pizza that cost me the same price as a hot dog and fill me up for most of the day and drink a 6 pack which was the same price as one beer at that stadium. Besides, I get to see more of the action on my 42" TV, and be shirtless guy without making others physically ill.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Health Care
It seems to be the hot button issue of the moment. You turn on your TV news, it's there, talk radio it's there, Internet front pages it's there; health care reform. No matter how hard you try to forget about just for a brief minute, it's back in the forefront of our collective eye and thoughts, and it's driven a wider and deeper wedge of hostile division in this nation.
Now, I don't claim to possess all of the answers to solve this quandary, hell, it took me nearly 3 hours to decide what I wanted for dinner tonight. However, just like a lot of my fellow red, white and blue brethren, I do have thoughts on this issue. I know my thoughts may not be agreed with or possibly welcomed by some, but it is still one of my rights as an American citizen to express it freely. (At least I think it is anyway. Has Congress repealed that yet?)
As I have witnessed the news footage of citizens taking to the streets with banners in hand, hippie protesting aspirations in their hearts and a twinkle of red right wing or blue left wing affiliations in their eyes, I have to give credit to President Obama in this regard. At least he has awaken the American give them hell spirit. Just a few short months ago, the collective heart of this nation was in need of a transplant. We kept yelling for accountability in Washington, but yet we never witnessed the rising uproar in the communities we do now, and quite frankly, we had a lot more to be pissed off about then than we do currently.
I think that everyone would agree that health care in this nation is piss poor and has been in need of reform for too many years now, but in the true American fashion, this issue has been grossly ignored, has grown out of control and is now an epidemic, in which Washington is now looking for a quick fix to the problem. Well, we have always been known to be a reactive nation and not a proactive nation now haven't we?
Now, I realize that I could receive great backlash or even be threatened by being called a socialist with the statement I'm about to make here, but I agree with Obama in a few areas on this matter. Allow me to explain; first, I applaud him for wanting to hold insurance companies accountable. (I'm not lost on the irony that a politician is asking for someone to be held accountable for their actions. I'm even more amazed that a politician would even know that word 'accountable', but I think the bigger concern is do they know the definition of the word.) Perhaps if we had held Wall Street and the banking industry accountable for their actions a few years ago, we wouldn't have seen the financial disaster we have witnessed in recent months.
Whether this can actually happen or not remains to be seen, but big corporations in this nation have lost all sense and sensibility and if there were ever a bigger example of the term 'morally bankrupt' you need look no further than corporate America and Montana Senator Max Baucas who is one of the biggest insurance industry crack whores in Congress.
The other thing I agree with Obama on is not being denied for previous conditions or being denied treatment for not reporting a minor issue to your insurance company. If there was ever a bigger example of corporate greed and bullshit than that, then I have failed to see it. If I had been denied my prescriptions because of my bout with depression in 1996, I either would have been dead a long time ago, or a few idiotic drivers would have been subjected to my wrath with intense physical beatings. And for what? So an insurance company could make a few extra bucks to report on their monthly record profit sheet.
The area where I do have a problem with this reform is the public government run option. First, this is too socialistic of an ideal for a capitalistic democracy. Second, the government changes everything on a dime and even though it has been said that those who reside in this nation illegally would not be eligible for coverage, it would only be a matter of time before it would happen and that is wrong on so many levels.
If you think that a government run public option is a good idea, let me paint a mental picture for you of what I think a government run health facility would be like.... Have you been to the DMV lately? Take a moment to observe.
Notice all the agitated people sitting in chairs holding there ticket numbers starting at the 'now serving' display sign with restrained agitated rejection? Notice all the customer service windows not being facilitated by DMV employees to serve you in a timely manner? Notice those employees with the severe lack of people skills, horrible 'I don't care' attitudes that tell you that you filled out a small section of your form wrong which means you have to re pick a number ticket and wait another 2 hours after you make that correction to turn it back in, and have to deal with a different employee who has such a cerebral prowess that it makes Heidi Montag look like a merited member of MENSA.
Now take that environment, and place it in a family practice center or a hospital. Do you really want the government health option now? Is it still looking like a viable safe option for your well being?
The message that Washington needs to get through their brainless heads is that costs are far exceeding the rate of earned incomes for families, and where they need to be instrumental in this reform is to keep insurance companies fair, and honest, and to start promoting citizens to adopt a proactive mentality to their personal health.
How do we fund the reform you ask? Well, I have a couple of thoughts. First, if tobacco is being taxed severely anyway, why not start applying higher taxes on fast food? If our leaders really want us to be a healthy nation, then make fast food more expensive by taxing it heavily and make healthier food options in the grocery stores and restaurant establishments that promote healthy eating more affordable. We all know that it's much more affordable to eat like crap than it is to eat healthy, so why then are we punishing citizens by their financial class and stature? Doesn't this basically say, let the impoverished eat like crap to die sooner and let the upper class eat healthy so that they may continue to live? You want to curb bad eating habits and fund the reform, tax fast food and and junk food, and take that tax money to put towards the health insurance reform.
How do we keep costs down? Well, the key to that is staying healthy now isn't it? Let's face it, with more dangerous flu's like H1-N1 out there and common colds, it's a foregone conclusion that you will need to visit your doctor for a flu shot or antibiotic to get rid of the bug, but getting that flu shot is taking a proactive approach to staying healthy now isn't it? So why should someone be punished for staying in good health by having their premiums constantly being escalated? Why won't insurance companies offer discounts like auto insurance premiums do for being a good driver? That's only fair right? Why not be able to write off the annual cost of a gym membership as a taxable credit?
The ideas may be too radical, but they're only thoughts and they're thoughts I have yet to hear from Washington. The most disheartening fact about this whole reform issue is that most of the debate on the whole issue has been deeply rooted in questioning the financial benefits of the reform. I have yet to hear any echoes from Washington about it being a civil issue for any of us, the American people.
Until then, call your Canadian physician and inform the the members of the underground drug railroad that you need to stock up on all your prescriptions as well as some of the happy pills, because the diagnosis is about 6-9 months of sheer bureaucratic bullshit.
Now, I don't claim to possess all of the answers to solve this quandary, hell, it took me nearly 3 hours to decide what I wanted for dinner tonight. However, just like a lot of my fellow red, white and blue brethren, I do have thoughts on this issue. I know my thoughts may not be agreed with or possibly welcomed by some, but it is still one of my rights as an American citizen to express it freely. (At least I think it is anyway. Has Congress repealed that yet?)
As I have witnessed the news footage of citizens taking to the streets with banners in hand, hippie protesting aspirations in their hearts and a twinkle of red right wing or blue left wing affiliations in their eyes, I have to give credit to President Obama in this regard. At least he has awaken the American give them hell spirit. Just a few short months ago, the collective heart of this nation was in need of a transplant. We kept yelling for accountability in Washington, but yet we never witnessed the rising uproar in the communities we do now, and quite frankly, we had a lot more to be pissed off about then than we do currently.
I think that everyone would agree that health care in this nation is piss poor and has been in need of reform for too many years now, but in the true American fashion, this issue has been grossly ignored, has grown out of control and is now an epidemic, in which Washington is now looking for a quick fix to the problem. Well, we have always been known to be a reactive nation and not a proactive nation now haven't we?
Now, I realize that I could receive great backlash or even be threatened by being called a socialist with the statement I'm about to make here, but I agree with Obama in a few areas on this matter. Allow me to explain; first, I applaud him for wanting to hold insurance companies accountable. (I'm not lost on the irony that a politician is asking for someone to be held accountable for their actions. I'm even more amazed that a politician would even know that word 'accountable', but I think the bigger concern is do they know the definition of the word.) Perhaps if we had held Wall Street and the banking industry accountable for their actions a few years ago, we wouldn't have seen the financial disaster we have witnessed in recent months.
Whether this can actually happen or not remains to be seen, but big corporations in this nation have lost all sense and sensibility and if there were ever a bigger example of the term 'morally bankrupt' you need look no further than corporate America and Montana Senator Max Baucas who is one of the biggest insurance industry crack whores in Congress.
The other thing I agree with Obama on is not being denied for previous conditions or being denied treatment for not reporting a minor issue to your insurance company. If there was ever a bigger example of corporate greed and bullshit than that, then I have failed to see it. If I had been denied my prescriptions because of my bout with depression in 1996, I either would have been dead a long time ago, or a few idiotic drivers would have been subjected to my wrath with intense physical beatings. And for what? So an insurance company could make a few extra bucks to report on their monthly record profit sheet.
The area where I do have a problem with this reform is the public government run option. First, this is too socialistic of an ideal for a capitalistic democracy. Second, the government changes everything on a dime and even though it has been said that those who reside in this nation illegally would not be eligible for coverage, it would only be a matter of time before it would happen and that is wrong on so many levels.
If you think that a government run public option is a good idea, let me paint a mental picture for you of what I think a government run health facility would be like.... Have you been to the DMV lately? Take a moment to observe.
Notice all the agitated people sitting in chairs holding there ticket numbers starting at the 'now serving' display sign with restrained agitated rejection? Notice all the customer service windows not being facilitated by DMV employees to serve you in a timely manner? Notice those employees with the severe lack of people skills, horrible 'I don't care' attitudes that tell you that you filled out a small section of your form wrong which means you have to re pick a number ticket and wait another 2 hours after you make that correction to turn it back in, and have to deal with a different employee who has such a cerebral prowess that it makes Heidi Montag look like a merited member of MENSA.
Now take that environment, and place it in a family practice center or a hospital. Do you really want the government health option now? Is it still looking like a viable safe option for your well being?
The message that Washington needs to get through their brainless heads is that costs are far exceeding the rate of earned incomes for families, and where they need to be instrumental in this reform is to keep insurance companies fair, and honest, and to start promoting citizens to adopt a proactive mentality to their personal health.
How do we fund the reform you ask? Well, I have a couple of thoughts. First, if tobacco is being taxed severely anyway, why not start applying higher taxes on fast food? If our leaders really want us to be a healthy nation, then make fast food more expensive by taxing it heavily and make healthier food options in the grocery stores and restaurant establishments that promote healthy eating more affordable. We all know that it's much more affordable to eat like crap than it is to eat healthy, so why then are we punishing citizens by their financial class and stature? Doesn't this basically say, let the impoverished eat like crap to die sooner and let the upper class eat healthy so that they may continue to live? You want to curb bad eating habits and fund the reform, tax fast food and and junk food, and take that tax money to put towards the health insurance reform.
How do we keep costs down? Well, the key to that is staying healthy now isn't it? Let's face it, with more dangerous flu's like H1-N1 out there and common colds, it's a foregone conclusion that you will need to visit your doctor for a flu shot or antibiotic to get rid of the bug, but getting that flu shot is taking a proactive approach to staying healthy now isn't it? So why should someone be punished for staying in good health by having their premiums constantly being escalated? Why won't insurance companies offer discounts like auto insurance premiums do for being a good driver? That's only fair right? Why not be able to write off the annual cost of a gym membership as a taxable credit?
The ideas may be too radical, but they're only thoughts and they're thoughts I have yet to hear from Washington. The most disheartening fact about this whole reform issue is that most of the debate on the whole issue has been deeply rooted in questioning the financial benefits of the reform. I have yet to hear any echoes from Washington about it being a civil issue for any of us, the American people.
Until then, call your Canadian physician and inform the the members of the underground drug railroad that you need to stock up on all your prescriptions as well as some of the happy pills, because the diagnosis is about 6-9 months of sheer bureaucratic bullshit.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monopoly
Over the course of this past holiday weekend, my better half and I decided to not plant ourselves on the couch and to allow our intelligence quotient circle down the drain of life. Instead we decided to throw an assortment of music on the stereo, and enjoy each other's company by taking in a friendly game of Monopoly. Now, when I think of the game of Monopoly, especially within my family history, 'friendly' is not the word that jumps out to first place across the finish line of my memory. In fact it has been known to be the sole reason of all communication breakdown for weeks on end in certain households. (Legend has it that these tales are some of the darkest chapters in the family history).
So I was really beside myself when my lovely girlfriend asked me what game I wanted to play and I foolishly suggested Monopoly. (Have you ever had one of those moments when your mouth acts quicker than your brain and after the last syllable has been uttered from your lips you try like mad to retract what you said, all the while your brain is yelling at you from the top of it's lungs, STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!? Well, September 5th, 2009 at approximately 8:37 PM was one of those moments for yours truly).
Now, it must be mentioned here that I'm a highly competitive person. I say again, highly competitive! I do not say this with pride. Once again, it is part of the family crest. It is clearly stated that 'If thou shall chooses to engage in athletic or a various form of competitive sport or game, the one named Floyd must take all adversity and all deficits in the competition solely to heart and display furious anger at those who he has suffered a defeat from, especially if the match in question has not been completed.' Some crests have symbols displaying pride, strength and honor. While others stem from shame. This would be the symbol of of the latter.
As my dear Jen set up the game, I selected the music to enjoy, along with some beverages and thought to myself that this was a friendly game to entertain ourselves and enjoy some quality time. In no way does this effect the space time continuum in actual real life. It's funny how pride overpowers logical thinking.
As the game progressed, my strategy was actually working. Pick and choose your properties, stay patient, don't over extend your finances and build more each time you pass go. (If only I could adhere to those words in real life). Then it happened. Board game karma, lack of luck or whatever, the dice, along with my hand and wrist conspired against me.
Every roll that I threw for about fifteen minutes straight had the uncanny ability to land my game piece on income tax, luxury tax, or one space past or short of the free parking that contained close to $2000 in lovely Monopoly currency that I so desperately needed. If that weren't enough, my sweet, sweet treasure had built a veritable HOA community on all her properties, and by the fate of the cold cold dice, I apparently felt compelled to visit at least one of each of her covenent communites on each corner of the board.
With each roll, my mood declined. Each space I moved with my copper lantern my blood boiled. Pay $200 in income tax, $75 in luxury tax. '$1200 dollars please!' Really? Who the hell would charge $12oo dollars in rent for a hotel on the fricking purple properties?! They're the equivilent of east Colfax for crying out loud! All the while, I was trying to laugh it off, I couldn't help but wonder who was this blood thirsty greed filled person that was playing alongside of me and what in the hell did she do with my girlfriend? After about 2 hours of this self-depricating humiliation, I surrendered. Not to concede defeat in the game, but to take a step back and realize that I do in fact love this woman and I do not want to have to call my parents at this late hour to ask if I could use a spare bedroom for a couple of days.
As calmer, wiser maturity finally nutured my thoughts in the form of a celexa tablet and a bottle of sunshine wheat, I was able to understand that me and Monopoly get along aboout as well as the Muslims and the nation of Isreal. Now I know why my Father rejects an invite to play Monopoly quicker than a dinner invite to Sarah Palin from David Letterman. Nothing good ever comes out of it.
As I was handing over the last bit of my white one dollar bills, some of them tear stained, I noticed a copyright date on the money. The year was 1935. I couldn't help but think of the suicide rate that this game must have caused while those suffering through the throes of the great depression played it.
When it comes right down to it, Monopoly is a cruel heartless bitch. It keeps taking away from one individual until they are flat broke and rewards another with great wealth, even though the wealth is completely ficticious. Either way you come out a loser, but I think the greater importance that Monopoly held for me on that night was how it eerily paralleled not only my real life, but the lives of many others in our nation right now. A strategy that started out well; planning, not over extending yourself and getting a taste of the fruits of the labor that the strategy provided, then all of sudden in just a few short moments, losing everything they had only to watch it go to someone else only to have to start over in a late point of the game.
Perhaps we should all play Monopoly. We may get a much better understanding of just what Wall Street, Corporate America, and our Government has done to a lot of us these days.
So I was really beside myself when my lovely girlfriend asked me what game I wanted to play and I foolishly suggested Monopoly. (Have you ever had one of those moments when your mouth acts quicker than your brain and after the last syllable has been uttered from your lips you try like mad to retract what you said, all the while your brain is yelling at you from the top of it's lungs, STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!? Well, September 5th, 2009 at approximately 8:37 PM was one of those moments for yours truly).
Now, it must be mentioned here that I'm a highly competitive person. I say again, highly competitive! I do not say this with pride. Once again, it is part of the family crest. It is clearly stated that 'If thou shall chooses to engage in athletic or a various form of competitive sport or game, the one named Floyd must take all adversity and all deficits in the competition solely to heart and display furious anger at those who he has suffered a defeat from, especially if the match in question has not been completed.' Some crests have symbols displaying pride, strength and honor. While others stem from shame. This would be the symbol of of the latter.
As my dear Jen set up the game, I selected the music to enjoy, along with some beverages and thought to myself that this was a friendly game to entertain ourselves and enjoy some quality time. In no way does this effect the space time continuum in actual real life. It's funny how pride overpowers logical thinking.
As the game progressed, my strategy was actually working. Pick and choose your properties, stay patient, don't over extend your finances and build more each time you pass go. (If only I could adhere to those words in real life). Then it happened. Board game karma, lack of luck or whatever, the dice, along with my hand and wrist conspired against me.
Every roll that I threw for about fifteen minutes straight had the uncanny ability to land my game piece on income tax, luxury tax, or one space past or short of the free parking that contained close to $2000 in lovely Monopoly currency that I so desperately needed. If that weren't enough, my sweet, sweet treasure had built a veritable HOA community on all her properties, and by the fate of the cold cold dice, I apparently felt compelled to visit at least one of each of her covenent communites on each corner of the board.
With each roll, my mood declined. Each space I moved with my copper lantern my blood boiled. Pay $200 in income tax, $75 in luxury tax. '$1200 dollars please!' Really? Who the hell would charge $12oo dollars in rent for a hotel on the fricking purple properties?! They're the equivilent of east Colfax for crying out loud! All the while, I was trying to laugh it off, I couldn't help but wonder who was this blood thirsty greed filled person that was playing alongside of me and what in the hell did she do with my girlfriend? After about 2 hours of this self-depricating humiliation, I surrendered. Not to concede defeat in the game, but to take a step back and realize that I do in fact love this woman and I do not want to have to call my parents at this late hour to ask if I could use a spare bedroom for a couple of days.
As calmer, wiser maturity finally nutured my thoughts in the form of a celexa tablet and a bottle of sunshine wheat, I was able to understand that me and Monopoly get along aboout as well as the Muslims and the nation of Isreal. Now I know why my Father rejects an invite to play Monopoly quicker than a dinner invite to Sarah Palin from David Letterman. Nothing good ever comes out of it.
As I was handing over the last bit of my white one dollar bills, some of them tear stained, I noticed a copyright date on the money. The year was 1935. I couldn't help but think of the suicide rate that this game must have caused while those suffering through the throes of the great depression played it.
When it comes right down to it, Monopoly is a cruel heartless bitch. It keeps taking away from one individual until they are flat broke and rewards another with great wealth, even though the wealth is completely ficticious. Either way you come out a loser, but I think the greater importance that Monopoly held for me on that night was how it eerily paralleled not only my real life, but the lives of many others in our nation right now. A strategy that started out well; planning, not over extending yourself and getting a taste of the fruits of the labor that the strategy provided, then all of sudden in just a few short moments, losing everything they had only to watch it go to someone else only to have to start over in a late point of the game.
Perhaps we should all play Monopoly. We may get a much better understanding of just what Wall Street, Corporate America, and our Government has done to a lot of us these days.
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